Death in the family

[lovingboth]

I'm feeling fine, as I have been before.

The grandparent who survived past my childhood was my maternal grandmother. We were close - we lived with her until I was seven. Unfortunately, she developed Alzheimer's in her mid-late 80s and she died a couple of years before her body did. I'm still a bit annoyed at being pushed to see her in the months before she died: no recognition of me at all resulted in disturbing her and not being good for me. The funeral was good, a chance to catch up with assorted cousins.* I can even remember when it was, because we went to the first bi activist weekend I organised from it, clutching baby JA, so it must have been Feb 2002.

My mother had a colon cancer that spread to her brain. If you end up with brain cancer, from what I (and Susie Bright) can see, do not go for surgery unless you like being a guinea pig for surgeons to practice on with almost no benefit - and plenty of downsides - for you. At least the NHS means we didn't pay (directly) for the unnecessary surgery and the consequent loss of quality of life, but death was still a release. My sister, after some faffing around with changing dates, scheduled the funeral for the one day JA couldn't do (very first day of school) so September 2006, but I enjoyed seeing someone from my father's side of the family after losing touch and that developed into several visits to Newcastle to see them before they died a few years ago.

This time, my father's death has followed a decade or so of increasing Parkinson's. Although the last couple of months were good (albeit with some hallucinations), the previous couple of years were horrible, particularly in the mornings, and he was very comfortable with death.

So while I've been sorry to lose them, the preceding disease has been more upsetting than the inevitable and prepared-for conclusion.

* Only one male cousin from that side of the family doesn't have male pattern baldness: I had the second most hair of all of them!

Comments

[sfred]

Yes, I get this.

[zotz]

My friend Sean died a year or so ago from a brain tumour he'd had since about 2000. He had about ten years of remission after the early rounds of treatment. Surgery, then chemo.

[geminigirl]

There was a definite sense of relief in some ways when my Dad passed last May because of the degree of decline. He was very much in the state where he knew, and was very aware of how much decline he had experienced, which was very difficult for all of us to cope with, including him.

I am sorry for your loss. I wish you and all who loved him peace and comfort.

[porsupah.livejournal.com]

I suppose it has to be comparatively "easier" (insofar as it ever can be) to lose someone when there's some degree of warning involved, versus something abrupt, like an accident wrenching them out of your life. But it's easier for me to say that when they've had a good life, as with my father, than, say, the 12 y.o. son a friend lost a couple years back to testicular cancer, seeing them go from almost normal to withered to dead within a year.

Alzheimer's would make a superb evil sci-fi creation, were it not so awfully real - losing yourself, bit by bit, and being aware of it as it happens, at least earlier on.. mercifully, not something I've had personal experience with. (Maybe as much as anything that I never knew any grandparents)

[ludy]

I can relate to this...
I'm sorry for your loss

[barakta]

Death is a funny one when there's been deterioration before hand either due to no longer treatable illness or age decline illnesses. I read an interesting book at Mum's last visit http://www.amazon.co.uk/Being-Mortal-Illness-Medicine-Wellcome/dp/1846685818 which was by a doctor kinda bimbling around this idea of ageing well and if having a terminal illness how to have quality of life vs "overtreatment" which seems even worse in USA than in the UK.

It sounds like your dad's condition was clearly worsening and in a way he went in such a way which probably didn't distress him so much and gave you guys a few days to process the likely outcome. Not everyone sees it like that, but I have been accused in the past of being an irrevocable pragmatist about such things which I blame medical family members for entirely ;) as they tend to be of the "just shoot me" view...

LOL at second mostest hair too! I wish there were photos :D

[lovingboth]

Hooray, but I think he was very much the exception.

[lovingboth]

Yep.

Laurence and Stephen: almost no hair. Me, you know. (All sons of our grandmother's three daughters.)

David: full head of the stuff, to the point where I'd be thinking 'wig' if I didn't know it was genuine. (The son of our grandmother's son.)

[zotz]

It depends very much on the tumour. Some types and grades it's not unusual given appropriate treatment.

[badriya.livejournal.com]

My condolences for the loss of your father, although, as you say, sometimes it is a release. It was for my mother.She was 96 and has no quality of life really by then.

My mum had Alzheimers so I know how that is. I can't remember if I've posted about it. (Alzheimers lite!) She left bit by bit and for the last five or six years I didn't know if she knew me, but did go every other day or so to see she was being well cared for. She'd been in a home for ten years. She could no longer be managed in her flat even with carers.

B's last partner, Bernard, has a brain tumour. He lost his partner the same age 2 years ago. he had Aids and other things too and was in a wheelchair for the last 5 or 6 years. Now Bernard was given 14 months in November 2014 and B visits as often as he can but has fibromyalgia and eds, the gene thing, and is in worse shape than Bernard most of the time. Bernard is still very much himself except for sleeping and being a bit wobbly on his feet, and forgetful. His next door friend has become carer and they've just gone to Australia to see another ex. We went there for Christmas because it will certainly be the last one. He likes to ravel though and I think finds it better than sitting, taking pills and waiting. B (my partner, bluerose/Moz) is getting more and more distressed as is not well enough to be the person doing the final care.

Life is shitty sometimes, isn't it? I don't like the sound of your sister.I hope the funeral will be on a day you can go.