It is not who some of you think it might be...

[lovingboth]

but I was recently asked for advice by someone.

He's about 30, a virgin - certainly by the not having had intercourse definition, although he has "fooled around" with a few women at parties - and never had a significant relationship. He's also aware of an attraction to and desire for sex with men, but hasn't done anything about that.

The reason given for these virginities is work, or rather lots and lots of study. Now he's got his qualifications, has some free time, and wants to explore his sexuality. In the past, he tried going to a prostitute, but that resulted in "failure" ie impotence, partly because it was clear she was only interested in the money.

He's lined up some time in somewhere with an active gay scene to explore the sex with men side, but what to do about women? He thinks that he needs to be "experienced" before finding a long-term partner.

I know what I suggested about all this, but I am curious as to what y'all would have said or asked.

Comments

[purplerabbits.livejournal.com]

It would depend very much how attractive he was, to be honest. I don't mean he has to be stunningly good looking, but it does make a huge difference, especially for casual sex. I'd suggest going to clubs, developing some tastes if he doesn't already have them, maybe SF conventions or BiCons or Open University summer schools... But mainly I tend to suggest making many female friends before even trying to pick women up.

[lovingboth]

I don't know what he looks like, but he thought it was partly connected to his 'scrawny' body - part of me was amused to hear that he'd done the very same thing Someone Else did and had got into body building.

I didn't mention BiCon to him. Are OU summer schools really that bad/good?

Yeah, I think he needs to learn to treat people as people rather than shags or not worth talking to...

[werenerd.livejournal.com]

My initial reaction is that he must have some “issues” that may be worth his time to look into. Nobody in our society just “never gets around to having sex” before they’re 30. There’s got to be a reason why he hasn’t pursued sex, and figuring out what that reason is, sooner rather than later, may be the key to getting himself sorted out.

[lovingboth]

Yes and no - if you have some bad experiences in starting (and paying for it, only to be unintentionally humiliated, must rank as pretty bad) then I can see that could lead to some long term problems.

Not entirely constructive comment...

[kingginger.livejournal.com]

But fuck me, I thought I had it bad that I had to wait till I was 19.

Heck, I was "fooling around" from 17ish like...

but gods, to be 30...

I mean, whats the guy look like *harsh I know*...

But man.

Gutted / Unlucky / Too busy to have sex?????? The dude needs to get out more.

Laterz

Re: Not entirely constructive comment...

[lovingboth]

There are more virgins - in one way or another - than you might think. Certainly working on a helpline, you get to speak to more people prepared to admit it.

[lovingboth]

As well as challenging the idea that any future long term partner would be unhappy to have an inexperienced partner, and the idea that the problem with his visit to a prostitute was that she wasn't expensive enough (some of the loveliest people I know in the business make a point of not being too expensive, and anyone who saw the results of the almost incredible trend of men's magazines a couple of years ago in paying writers' 'expenses' in this area knows price does not guarantee quality.)

... I suggested that if he placed such a priority on losing his virginity, he might consider finding a therapist who used surrogates - people trained to give practical sex therapy to people without a suitable partner.

As you'd expect, it's a very controversial issue and unfortunately it looks as if one of the few people to openly use them - Dr Martin Cole - retired a year or so back.

But if he wants sex without emotion, it'd be a way of exploring without the performance and time pressure he's experienced before.

I wonder what will happen.